Why She Stayed
by DarkDreamer56
Summary: A post ep ficlet for Snakes. Sara contemplates what exactly she was trying to say, and why. Grissom angst, NickSara friendship with appearances by Warrick and Greg.


Title: Why She Stayed  
Author: DarkDreamer56  
Archive: If you want it, ask please!  
Rating: PG-13  
Pairing: Grissom angst, Nick/Sara friendship, with appearances from Greg and Warrick  
Disclaimer: If I owned them, then Nick would be yelling in Spanish in every episode, after diving into a pool shirtless to recover evidence, of course…  
Spoilers: Snakes (5x12)

A/N: This proved to be a little more difficult to write than I initially planned. I couldn't leave things the way they ended with Sara in "Snakes." She seemed so off to me in this episode, and I cringed at her comment about moving to Vegas for Grissom. I can only hope that this comment has something to do with the "validation" she needed, as well as the back story we've been promised, because I really don't like the implications of her uprooting her life solely for a man, any man (steps off soapbox now). This is my humble attempt at interpreting things in a way so that Sara's comment makes sense to me. It might be a little angst-ridden, but that seems to be where my muse has been guiding me lately. I hope you enjoy!

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She thought she would feel better after speaking with Grissom, but instead, Sara felt more alone and miserable than ever. She had botched one of the most important conversations in her life. This was supposed to be her clean break from all of her old bad habits. It was the desperate attempt of a woman fighting to stay in control, and Sara knew this. Her life was steadily spiraling out of her control, and this was a way to get it back. Yet she had utterly failed. It wasn't that she had feelings for Grissom anymore; those had died during his speech to Vincent Lurie. No, she had meant to go in and show Grissom, and everyone else, that she was fine, and put herself back on the path to recovery. 

Things had been going well for the first few months after her near-DUI, but slowly all of her old feelings of inadequacy were seeping back in. And without the cloud of alcohol to contain them, waves of emotion were hitting her so hard and fast that she wasn't sure how long she would be able to withstand the onslaught.

So now she sat alone in her Denali, tears streaming down her face while she replayed everything in her mind.

_Why do you think I moved to Vegas?_

She hated that she said it, and she hated even more that there was some actual truth to that statement. Sara never figured herself to be a girl to drop her entire life for a man, and yet, at the offer of a job, and maybe a future, she packed up her San Francisco apartment and followed what was left of her heart to Vegas. And for awhile, plants and comments about beauty had been enough to sustain her. It was safe; to stay in love with someone who could never really fall in love. She always knew Grissom could never give her what she needed; her infatuation with him let her neatly stack the build up of past emotional baggage without the peskiness associated with actually trying to deal with it all. Even with his refusal of her invitation to dinner, Sara knew Grissom would never fully reject her, giving her freedom to pursue an unattainable goal and let everything else fall by the wayside.

What she hadn't counted on was letting Grissom actually break her heart.. For someone who knew he could never return her feelings, misguided as they were, she was certainly rattled by Grissom's confession to Lurie during an interrogation. That day went right into its own suitcase, stacked right alongside everything else from Las Vegas. Pamela Adler. Brenda Collins. Kaye Shelton. The explosion. Susannah Kirkwood. The passed over promotion. Eddie's murder. Hank. Right now, she could probably fill McCarran with the amount of issues she had packed away and kept under lock and key. Usually she never let things build up too much in one place. Transporting her pain like a carry on, she'd move on to the next place, ready to begin again and put her past behind her without ever resolving it, until she filled another suitcase or two and had to leave again. She'd stayed too long in Vegas, let too much happen, and for the life of her, Sara didn't know why she had stayed.

Sara began to shiver as the cool night air took over her car. She hadn't bothered to turn on the engine, just sat silently as tears poured out, arms wrapped around herself in a futile attempt to hold things together. Hours may have passed since she climbed in, and she wouldn't have even realized. Time became a blur once she clocked out, hours earlier than normal, and walked out to her Denali for isolation.

…_sometimes I look for validation in inappropriate places._

That was a phrase Sara's counselor had used for her behavior, the behavior that instigated the whole situation with Grissom. Hell, if she really listened to what her counselor had said, it was probably her biggest problem of all. She wanted validation from Grissom; that he found her desirable, that he respected her professionally. It crushed her when he didn't recommend her for the promotion, no matter how happy she was for Nick. From her colleagues, she wanted to be liked and appreciated as a CSI. She liked bantering back and forth with Warrick and Nick, and she enjoyed being the object of several of the lab's crushes. She even craved Catherine's acceptance, which had been less than forthcoming when she couldn't solve Eddie's murder.

Before Vegas, she looked for validation in many different people; there was Jack, the fraternity brother that told her he loved her, and never called the next day; Ken, the TA, who was her reason for joining the mile high club; and a dozen other men that only made her feel worse. For professors, she needed to be the best, academically. Highest grades, most active participant, best ideas.

And before that…she had looked to her foster parents. For them, she was the perfect child she had never been for her mother. She never talked back, never disobeyed, just did the dishes without complaining and studied while the children around her watched cartoons with the volume turned up way too loud and chased each other around the kitchen table.

She had learned from the best. Laura Sidle had always needed validation. When she couldn't get it from her husband, she turned to the men in their small town, until the rumors and whispers finally drove Sara's father away. While Laura needed validation, she was not good at validating others, especially her children. Sara's brother Eric dealt by spending most of his time high, locked in his room and out of Sara's reach. That's when the parade of boyfriends came into the picture. Sara would perform for each of them, trying to make them love her. If her mother wouldn't, then surely one of them would. She drew them pictures, and sat on their laps, needing more than anything to win them over. Each pat on the head or smile encouraged her, but she never quite succeeded. Eventually, they all moved on to greener pastures, to women without the burden of two children. Until Ted…

Tears cascaded down her cheeks as Sara choked on that name. She had spent most of her life trying to forget that name, and the memories attached to it. Only recently, in sessions with her PEAP counselor, had Sara allowed herself to say his name out loud.

Ted seemed harmless enough, and a perfect candidate for Sara to win over. He hung her pictures on his fridge, and held her hand when he took her to the zoo. Ted talked to Sara like she was an adult, and he was the first man to tell her she was a pretty girl. Sara was convinced that Ted loved her. He would take care of her, and she would his perfect little girl.

It was awhile before Sara realized that Ted was seeking his own validation for something. When he couldn't get it from her mother, he turned to her. And this time, if Sara wouldn't give it to him, he would take it. It started with an innocent smack on the bottom once in awhile, an insistence that she sit on his lap when they watched cartoons together. The first time he came into her room at night, Sara thought he wanted to talk to her. When she realized that wasn't what he wanted from her, she began to cry, begging him to stop. Instead, it became a nightly ritual for nearly six months. Ted needed to prove he had control, rendering twelve year old Sara powerless to stop him.

Sara was shaken from the horrible memories of her time with Ted by a loud tap on her window. Startled, she looked up to see the concerned faces of Nick, Warrick, and Greg. She knew how bad it must look, crying alone in her car, mascara tracks running down her cheeks, but seeing them standing there, wanting to know what was going on, only made her begin to sob. She buried her head in her hands, trying to appear like she was composing herself when she was really muffling the cries.

"Sar, darlin', I need to you unlock the door for me, okay?" Nick called through the glass. Numbly, she reached out to the auto lock and flipped it, allowing them access to the car. In seconds, Nick had the door opened and Sara wrapped in his arms. He felt so warm and caring and everything else that Sara had been lacking for so long, that she couldn't help but break down in his arms.

Warrick's and Greg's voices sounded distant as they discussed what to do. Sara was vaguely aware of them walking away towards the opposite end of the parking lot as Nick held her and softly murmured comforts into her hair.

"Sar, what happened? Did someone hurt you?" Nick finally asked when Sara was able to speak again. The fear in his eyes was evident.

She couldn't help but laugh bitterly at his well intentioned question. "No Nick, not the way you're thinking…"

"Then what's wrong?"

"Everything," she sniffled, leaning into him again. It felt nice to be held again, and he was so soft.

"That's a little vague, darlin'. How about we start with why you're cryin'?"

Sara allowed herself atiny smile at the term of endearment before she sighed. "I don't know…"

"That's not gonna work, Sar. It's not a usual occurrence, seeing you alone in your car, crying. Something's wrong, and I'm not letting go until you tell me," he warned. Sara actually wouldn't mind if he held her forever, it was the safest she had felt in a long time, but she knew Nick wouldn't relent until she confided in him. An endearing quality of his, most of the time.

"I…I just wonder if I should have stayed. Here in Vegas, I mean."

"Did Grissom do something?" Nick sounded confused by her answer, unsure of where it was coming from.

"No, it was me…always me," she trailed off. Nick pulled her closer, giving her the no-strings-attached affection that she so desperately needed.

"It's not you, Sar. And yes, you should have stayed. You should stay. Don't you know how important you are to us? You're not thinking of leaving, are you?" he asked, worried.

"No…I mean, I don't know. I haven't made any plans, but I don't know what's going on anymore. My life is falling apart, Nick, and I don't know how to stop it anymore. I tried, and I just keep failing…" she admitted before giving way to tears again.

"Hey, hey, things will be okay. You just hold on, okay?"

"To what?" Sara sniffled.

Nick had a firm answer. "To me. To Greg, and Warrick. We'll help you through this, whatever it is. We're not going anywhere, and neither are you."

"That's sweet Nick, but I have to do this by myself, or else it's not going to do any good." Sara tried to pull out of Nick's embrace, but he tightened his hold.

"No," Nick corrected, "You need to do it for yourself. Big difference. That doesn't mean you don't need help. And you won't be alone. In fact, right now, you're coming with us to Warrick's to watch football. He and Greg went to get the car." As if on cue, Warrick pulled into the empty spot next to Sara's Denali. Greg exited the car, leaning against the front door as he assessed the situation with concern. Sara shot him a small smile to show him she was okay.

While Sara liked the idea of spending time with her friends, what she really wanted was to go home, shower, and climb into bed and try to forget about the horrible night. Something in Nick's eyes, however, told her that she wasn't getting out of this. "But I don't even like football," she feebly protested.

"Then you'll enjoy the pleasure of our company. If you come willingly, I'll take you to see _The Aviator_."

Sara rolled her eyes. "And if I don't come willingly?"

"Then I'll be forced to go caveman, and throw you over my shoulder," Nick teased, his eyes twinkling. Sara could see that he knew he'd already won this battle.

"_White Noise_?" she bargained.

"I'll even let you hold my hand during the scary parts."

Nick climbed into Warrick's backseat, pulling Sara with him. She was surprised to see Greg climb in next to her, leaving Warrick alone in the front.

"You okay, girl?" Warrick asked, giving her the once over.

"I will be," she answered, and for the first time, she actually believed it. She noticed Warrick exchange looks between Nick and Greg, checking with them to make sure she was telling the truth.

The foursome drove silently to Warrick's house, and Sara could tell that they were all still shaken from earlier. Warrick stole worried looks back at her every few minutes, and even Greg had reached out awkwardly and took her hand in his. Nick had draped his arm over her shoulder, rubbing it every so often to warm her up.

By the time Warrick pulled into his driveway, the guys had decided that Sara was okay, at least for the time being, and they began to banter back and forth, as usual, all the way to the door. Sara fell behind them a few feet as a realization hit her. She could deal with the accumulated baggage of her life; she could feel it in her bones. Nick promised the three of them would help her, and none of them had ever let her down. Grissom may have been the reason she moved to Vegas, but walking in front of her, negotiating what food to order, were the three reasons she had stayed.

FIN.

What did you think? I'm not sure if this came out quite the way I intended, so let me know your thoughts by reviewing!


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